1. Introduction: Creation Ex Neglectio
We have a major, jumbo hot dog size dreadlock living in our house. Listen up ladies! You are about to learn a secret technique for communicating clearly and effectively with your man. Guaranteed to work most of the time, this method can be yours right now without recourse to expensive equipment, additional education, or lengthy psychotherapy.
The Failed Search for a Reliable Method
Ever since “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” became passé, women have been casting about for a comparably reliable approach to getting their message across. Words do not suffice. Numerous research studies confirm experience: female-produced sounds are severely mangled by male systems for hearing and interpretation.
Similarly, the non-verbal approaches frequently recommended–tender touch, intent looks–have severe limitations when trying to convey actual information unambiguously.
The Yield from the Field
Fortunately, fresh from the field, comes a better way to communicate with your man, a simple way, known to any guy (or for that matter, gal) who has ever played touch football.
Belly drawing. That’s right, the secret to getting through to your man is to draw on his belly with your finger.
A highly direct medium, belly drawing is virtually a second mother-tongue to any North American male who has ever played touch football. Watch closely the next time you see a group of males gathered for a game. That’s how they convey their strategies to each other.
For that reason, appropriately employed, belly drawing will garner you exceptionally clear access to the male mind of your choice.
A Short Speculative History
You may be wondering why this sure‑fire technique has remained hidden from the masses of women for so long. Has the strength of male bonding kept it a secret? Or does the blame lie in ourselves? Perhaps too few of us have been willing to risk our life and limb on the touch football field. Perhaps we were unwilling to believe the reports of those brave females who did and survived. Or worse, could it be that those women who did take to the field and learned the secret have concealed it from the rest of us?
The time has come to recognize and publicize belly drawing’s monumental potential for bridging the miscommunication morass separating males and females.
When to Do It
Rich in terms needed to guide the contested movement of balls across fields of all sorts, belly drawing is perfectly suited for those interactions of everyday domestic co-existence having to do with the physical relocation of people and goods. For example, belly drawing is a stellar choice if you are trying to motivate your male to embark upon the complex actions necessary for taking out the garbage.
You will also find belly drawing’s inherent pictorial bias extremely effective for responding to an inquiry about where you keep items such as guest towels and serving dishes.
Lastly, who can imagine a better way to convey your appeal to pick up whatever it is your man has just absent-mindedly dropped in a totally inappropriate place?
How to Do It
As you might surmise, given its origins, belly drawing is not a difficult skill to master. To belly draw, stiffen a finger, the index is traditional, and sketch circles, lines, cross hatches, squiggles, or any other required symbol on your man’s naked or clothed front. (For this purpose, front and belly are synonymous and refer to the entire area between the collar bone and navel.)
Here’s the generic play: Start with an attention-getting stab. Move your finger firmly and calmly toward the object. If movement is required, finish with a flourish in the direction where the object should go. Voila! A message a man can understand.
Necessary Caveats
A few caveats are in order as you introduce belly writing into your arsenal of male-directed communication techniques.
An initial period of clumsiness is inevitable while you master the unfamiliar. Be patient with yourself. Ignore any gratuitous derision you might encounter from your male when you begin implementing a technique that has been his since childhood. With your innate female talent for motions requiring small motor skills, you will quickly equal and then surpass his fluency with belly drawing.
Some mean-spirited skeptics may point out that belly drawing has a rather impoverished vocabulary in comparison, say, to English, or the 7,104 other languages still known (per Ethnologue) to contemporary humanity. This drawback, while real, is simply a caution that to reap the full benefit from belly drawing, women must use it in situations which most closely replicate its original environment.
Belly drawing is, sigh, not a panacea. As excited as you might be about your new technique, do not make the mistake of expecting too much from belly drawing. For example, for those occasional times when your interaction with your male is aimed at eliciting abstract reasoning or emotional depth, belly drawing will not hit the navel on the head.
Finally, it goes without saying that belly drawing, as an intimate medium, should be confined to the male (or males) in your private life. Even the most innocent attempt to import your skill with belly drawing into business or political situations could inadvertently bring accusations of sexual harassment down upon your head, a chilling specter indeed.
On Your Mark, Get Set, Go
These few cautions aside, you can begin to use your new skill from the field immediately. Do not hesitate or delay. Once you plunge, or rather point ahead, belly drawing is sure to become an indispensable arrow in your quiver of resources for communicating with your man.
Ironic, isn’t it? The best way to a man’s heart is still through his stomach.
